| These Jokes are ones that I have found Warning:
Beer Contains Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men
should take a look at their beer consumption, considering
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence
of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer
makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Evidence for the justification of mandatory sterilization
of the idiots in this country.
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster
than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places
in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen
calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten, and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe
the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.
How do you know when you're getting good head?
When the sheets are being sucked up your arse
Why is it difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive
and good-looking?
They've all got boyfriends already
How do you know that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend chews before she swallows
Why are pubic hairs curly?
So they don't poke you in the eye
Whats the definition of a blond?
A red head with the fire fucked out of her
What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
The taste
Whats flat and smells of pussy?
Stick your tongue out
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
They're right you know we do taste of chicken
One woman to another- Does your arsehole fart after sex?
No he just roles over and goes to sleep
What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
Slobberdown Mycockyoubitch
What's the ultimate in rejection?
Having a wank and your hand goes to sleep
Why do blondes wear knickers?
To keep their ankles warm
Why did the pervert cross the road?
'cos he was stuck up the chickens arse
How do you get a blonde to cross her legs?
Tell her her shoes are on the wrong feet
Why is diarrhoea hereditory?
It runs in your jeans
What do you call a dyke dinosaur?
A lickalotapuss
Making love
The Italian says, "When I'vea finished a makina da love
with my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle
the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed
in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave
finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze
way down 'er body and zen Ah lick zer soles of 'er feet wiz
mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Englishman says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've
finished shagging my bird, I get out of bed, walk over to
the window and wipe my dick on the curtains.
She hits the fu*king roof!!!"
Mary had a herd of cows
And used to have some sheep
Now they're lying in the field;
A rotting, smelly heap
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To give the cows some water
Jack broke down and held his crown
As Jill began her slaughter
Mary had a little lamb
She called it baby Abby
They burned it in a great big pit
Cos its mouth and feet were scabby
AND THE CLASSIC WELSH ONE!!!
Farmer Jones has got no sheep
Isn't life a drag?
Coz they're all burning in a field....
He's got nothing left to shag
How do you know when a blokes had an orgasm?
You can hear him snoring
What do you call a bloke with a one inch dick?
Justin
What's the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a man is shagging her
Why do brides smile as they walk down the aisle?
They know they have finally given their last blowjob
What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A block of flaps
Do you know why they call it a wonder bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went
Why don't pigmys wear tampons?
'cos they trip over the strings
Whats worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits
How to impress a woman
Wine her
Dine her
Call her
Hug her
Compliment her
Laugh with her
Buy her flowers
Write her love letters
Go to the ends of the earth and back for her
How to impress a man
Show up naked
Bring beer
- Jokes -
These are ones that I have been sent via text (thanks cuz
for all of the ones you sent me)
Lets play a game of hide and seek I will hide and you will
seek. If you find me you can fuck me and if you can't......
I'm in the CUPBOARD
Whats the difference between an oven and a fanny???
A oven doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
What do a deck of cards and woman have in comman?
U need a heart to love erm, a diamond to marry them, a club
to bash them & a spade to bury the fuckers
Press down if u don't like me
I can't belive u did that.
and again? for fucks sake
How rude
Why are you still doing it??
Stop it u cunt
evil Barstud
BungeeJumping £5 Per person
Muslims,Niggers, Pakies FREE
no strings attached
Dear Baby ,
Do u take me 2 b ur lawful shagmate 2 give + recieve penetration
+ oral stimulation in mastarbation + poorcirlation + till
lack of condoms do us part
A teacher asked which part of the body goes to heaven first.
A child replies - feet, every night I see my mum, her feet
up high + she's screaming Oh god i'm cumin.
If u erase this msg it means you love me.
If u keep it u want me.
If u simply ingonre it u really adore me.
If u send it back you wanna fuck me.
So what your u going 2 do ????
Essex girl in car crash
"Where Are you Bleeding from???" Asked the Paramedic
"Basildon!" She repylied
Essex girl in car crash says
" I think I have concussion!"
Paramedic asks "How many fingers I have got up?"
She replyied "Oh fuck im paralysed too"
I luv the way it rubs against the soft, pink flesh &
creates a creamy foamy liquicd as it thrusts in & out
up & down. I can't wait for the next time. God I love
my toothbrush.
You're so sexy u drive me insane, we fuck so hard im always
in pain, our sexy voice puts me in slumber oh fuck im sorry
i've got the wrong number.
roses r red stems r green when I shag u I'll make u scream.
the louder you scream the harder I'll fuck you so give me
a ring you might be in luck.
Flowers £25,
Dinner£70,
Movie £10
Drinks £50
But the look on her face when you shuved ur cock up her arse
***Price less***
Women are like milk cartoons it's not so much whats inside
nor how it looks on the outside, it's how to getting thoses
fucking flaps open
Whats pink and goes stiff after a few strokes????
Princess Margert
Jeremy Beadle has a small cock but with the other habd its
big.
MEN-opasue
MEN-straul pain
MEN-tal illness
GUY-necologist
HIS-terectomy
Ever Noticed that womens problems all start with MEN
Why is sex like a card game???
Cos if you haven't got a good partner, you need 2 have a
fuckin good hand
sex is like a maths test.......
me plus you......
Subtract the clothes....
add the bed.....
divide the legs......
and miltiply the orgasms.....
Fancy a maths test?????
If a kiss was a raindrop id send you showers.
If a hug was a secound id send you hours.
If smiles were water id send you the sea.
If love was a person id send you me.
A girl asks her mum
"wots a cock"
Mum says "it's the big that hangs between a mans legs"
girl asks "wots a cunt??"
mum says "thats the rest of him"
|Ure so fine all Idesire, ure my earth wind & fire, U
have my heart within ur grasp, a hold that Iso want to last,
2 u my body & soul do turn, 2 make u smile is all I yearn,
U make me happy that much is ture, but most of all I love
u
Welcome to WWW.SEXY.COM
Type Password S E X
Accepted
New member
Name:Sexy
Processing.......
Denied ....2 fucking ugly
Stevie Wonder gets a chesse grater for his birthday-
to which he says it was the most violent book he'd ever read
A guy wakes up at 5 in the morning and ask his wife
"Any chance of a blowjob??"
she replyies " wank it into a glass I'll drink it in
the monring"
A good long suck 2 make it wet, it dribbles down my chin.
Then when I think the time is right I RAM the fucker in......
Cadburys creme egg How do you eat yours?????
sex is good sex is fine, doggy style + 69 Just for fun or
gettin paid every 1 luvs getting laid.so if you want me in
the sack, lick your lips and text me back.
iu joho5w,I35v37d3wd73h
Can you crack the code??? No...... oh go back and turn the
phone upside down ;O)
Would have been
h37p m3 I'm 5o hojni
help me I'm so horni
upon reciving this text you must send it to 1 person you
like, 1 person you hate, 1 person you want to fuck, can you
guess why I sent one to you???????
"give it here"
"NO ITS MINE"
"let me have it"
"IT'S MY TURN"
" u had it last"
"FUCK OFF"
" c'mon gimme it"
"NO WAY" Siamese twins having a wank
big aussie going down the road with a sheep under each arm.
Meets a mate who says
" ya sharing???"
" Nah" Says the aussie " gonna fuck erm both
meself"
What do you get if you cross Micheal Jackson and Aronald
schwarzenger??
Answer is
Michaelwazanigger
The Queen mother bumps into Princess Diana at the gates of
heaven and says
" I want a halo likes yours"
Princess Diana says
" Don't be fucking stuipd its a streaing wheel"
I'd Fuck you satnding.
I'd fuck you lying down.
If I had wings
I'd fuck you flying and when your gone and all fogttoen I'd
dig you up and fuck you rottern
Whats the differnce between a cop with a speed gun and going
down on a woman???
When you go down on a woman you can see the cunt behind the
bush
A woman is like a KFC oncew you've got passed the nice firm
breast and tender thighs all your left with is a gressy bucket
to chuck your bone into.
4 miracles of a woman. getting wet with out taking a shower,
bleeding with out getting hurt, giving milk with out eating
grass and making boneless flesh hard!!
Why do cows look so depreassed when thier being milked???
Well if someone woke yu up early and rubbed your tits for
two hours and didn't fuck you. you'ld be pissed of too.
If I was a flower would you pick me?
If I was a lolly would you lick me?
If I was a dweet would you suck me??
And if I asked nicely would you fuck me????
I want 2 take ur top off with my teeth, put my hands all
over ur body, put my tongue round ur hole + suck out ur jucie....
Budwesier how do you drink yours???
There was a guy called Dave. Who dug a prostitutes grave.
She was mouldy as shit and missing a tit but look at the money
he saved
In a garden, up a tree, make her wet, make her pee, lick
her clit, suck her tit, make her swallow never spit, when
ure doen tongue her bum, take her home fuck her mum
You're cute
charming
cool
sexy
classy
witty
attractive
endearing
loveable
that was sent to ME I just wanted you to read it
Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
The one who can hold two cups of coffee + 9 dounuts!
The most popular woman is the one who can eat the last dounut
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